Stream of consciousness...

I have so much running through my mind right now that I can’t sort it all out, so everyone gets to read what’s in my mind and we can all figure it out together…sound good?  Okie dokie…

This might be a bit jumbled…try and stay with me…if that’s possible.  I should be the happiest person on the planet right now.  I have amazing friends that care about me, a good job that I actually like, school starting next week to give me a better future, apartment hunting so I can be independant…and a girlfriend that loves me more than anything.  So…why am I not happy?  Do I feel that so much is being put on my life that it could end up crushing me?  Do I feel that even though I love my new job that it’s over my head and I’m going to fail?  Do I feel that I won’t be able to handle school because I never have before?  Do I feel that love…well lets leave love out of this for the time being.  The answer to those questions is a resounding YES.  I really should have more faith in myself…everyone else seems to.  My girlfriend tells me constantly what I’m capable of and what my future holds…and I can’t even manage to pull off a date with her anymore.  My job, with all the greatness I’m apparently destined for, still scares the hell out of me because I’m still new and it’s so different from anything I’ve done before and I’m so far out of my comfort zone I feel like I’m gonna choke every time I do something.  I see something happen and I know I should jump on it, but instead, half of the time I sit there, trying to do it but I can’t seem to make myself take the risk that I’ll mess up.  Oh, that’s not the end of the job problems, one of my best friends works with me, someone that I’m not sure I could’ve survived the last year without…and she just quit.  Two weeks left with her, I know we’ll still be friends, but not having my friend around…is gonna be hard.  School!  Lets talk about school shall we?  It starts in 4 days.  Three days a week, every week before work.  On top of everything else, I’m piling a whole new level of stress on top of the life I already can’t figure out.  Aside from that, when I left college the last time, my GPA was 1.9.  In high school it was so low it barely registered.  My learning disability and IQ allow me to absorb information extremely fast, but being able to translate it into action is very difficult.  Homework…for the first time in 9 years…should be interesting.  Are you confused yet?  I’m not really…lets keep going shall we?  I love my relationship…I love my girlfriend.  However, something has happened.  The physical part of our relationship has been put on hold so we can focus on the emotional aspect, the part that is going to give us our future together.  The problem…I miss the physical part, not every day, but there’s a closeness there that is hard to not have.  It’s like a connection has been broken.  Now, I know the reason I miss it is because of the emotions that come out and the love and connection that happens is truly amazing.  Here’s the problem…I always avoided anything physical, or girls in general, because having any girl think I had a physical desire toward her was horrible to me.  I wanted everyone to know that they could trust me, and that I didn’t care about any of that.  While I know nothing has changed…I still feel that the fact I miss it, makes me a bad person…err…boyfriend.  We’re afraid to go on a date anymore because we’re afraid we might actually touch each other.  Why is this bothering me?  Who knows.  Oh and my friends…the people I love, lets not forget them!  I spend every weekend hanging out with this amazing group of people…so why are they all pissing me off?  Oh I know!  Because as much as I love these people, I want a night alone with my girlfriend!  I wanna go out to dinner, see a movie, sit under the stars and talk and just be by ourselves.  That doesn’t seem to be possible.  I feel like I’m dating 5 people.  They all come as a package deal and can’t be seperated.  I love my friends to death, but sometimes when you’re dating, you just need space from the rest of the world once in a while.  I have all these things I love and I’m striving for…and the only things that seem to be standing in my way…are the people involved…and my own mind.  Back to the girlfriend for a second.  She’s got so much going on lately, so much stress around her, that everything I’ve talked about…doesn’t matter.  It can’t matter.  For me to show anything but a smile…wouldn’t help her.  I’d be failing miserably if I wasn’t there every second with her.  I’m not upset about this, I’d walk through hell for all eternity with her…I’d die for her.  Not sure where I’m going with this…oh well.  Probably just that being there for her is the number one most important thing in the world to me…everything else can wait.  Oh the apartment…yeah the one I’m terrified I can’t afford, the one I’m so nervous about I can’t stand it…yeah that one.  Why am I adding this onto my life?  Well, because I want to.  I feel like I have to, I can’t live like I’m 15 anymore, I’m taking on a packed grown up life…I need to start acting like one.  Ok, now are you confused?  I’m getting there!  So we’ve determined I’m a dumbass.  Lets recap why for those of us not paying attention.  I have an amazing life, one I never thought I could have and one that makes me happier than I ever thought possible….and it’s starting to scare the hell out of me.  I have a job that is a start to my future…and it makes me so nervous I can barely do it.  I’m starting school when it’s something I’ve never been any good at.  I’m trying to move out in the middle of the busiest point in my entire life.  And, I have a girl I want to spend the rest of my life, and all eternity if that’s possible, with…and I’m afraid to touch her because I’m afraid of what she’ll think of me.  Caught up now?  Good.  So now that I’ve spelled all this out.  I still have no clue how I feel or what I’m going to do.  My mind right now is a complete mess behind this mask of a smile, a jumble of so many thoughts I’m surprised I could write it down.  It’s been said to never trust a man wearing a mask…but what if it’s worn to guide and protect those he loves?  It’s even possible that I’m a complete idiot, I love my life and absolutely none of this matters.  Which brings up an interesting point…does any of this matter?  This is the life I’ve always wanted, it’s wonderful, full and happy.  So why don’t I just shut the fuck up and enjoy it!  My mind has a tendancy to doubt, I’m getting tired of it.  I’m gonna shut up and see where I end up.  Does this story have a happy ending?  My girlfriend is a huge believer in fairy tales…if that means anything then I’m finished talking and we’ll all live happier ever after.  The strange thing…I love her so much she’s making me believe that’s possible.  Who woulda thought…the logical realist believing in fairy tales.  I guess if I can fall in love and start believing in miracles…then anything is possible.  I’ll shut up now and just leave by saying…life is good and I have no clue what the hell I just wrote, lol.  The future is bright if I can just handle it.  They say all you need is love…if that’s really true then I can accomplish anything!  I have the most amazing girl and the most love any one person can have in my corner.  Here comes life…lets go kick it’s ass!

I’m out!  Laters!

 

Comments

[the deserter (mm, desserts, lol)]

Dude, I am sorry that I am leaving you. However, I am not really. I am like an itch after a date with Paris Hilton, not easily gotten rid of. As for school, don't worry there either. Once again, you got me (LMAO I don't have an ego or anything), and I just found out I made the deans list. I will be more than happy to help with anything I can. As for the love stuff, those things have a tendency to work themselves out. A word of advice to the both of you - Keep in mind that it is BECAUSE you love each other that you want to touch eack other so badly, and touch doesn't always equal something sexual.....just a desire to be close to one another. I hope that was kinda helpful, I had to throw in my two cents :)